My Breastfeeding Journey - Abby Saylor Armbruster

Welcome to the blog! Since getting pregnant and becoming a mom, pregnancy and motherhood are two things I absolutely love, I’m so passionate about and I can’t stop talking about. I wanted to sit down and dedicate an entire post to one of the most challenging aspects of motherhood thus far for me: breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is hard. You hear a lot of people say that, but you truly don’t understand until you experience it. You’d think the most “natural” way to feed your baby would feel natural and painless from the beginning, but it certainly does not (at least in my experience). Today’s post is all about my breastfeeding journey, from day 1 in the hospital to now, nearly fourth months in.

Let’s rewind…

I always knew I wanted to breastfeed. For me personally, it seemed like the best option because of the benefits of breastmilk, the bonding experience with your baby that you always hear people talk about, the money-saving aspect of not having to buy formula as an added bonus, and so on. I didn’t buy any formula (is that normal?) and only bought what would be needed to nurse. Luckily, Clay was interested in breastfeeding from the beginning.

From the moment the nurses put her on my nipple minutes after she was born, it was shocking to feel how hard she could suck, even fresh out of the womb. As you and your baby are both learning how to breastfeed, including latching properly, it takes time for your nips to toughen up and BOY does it hurt. I anticipated it would be painful, though you always hear people say “it SHOULDN’T be painful if you’re doing it right!” FALSE. It takes time for you and your baby to do it right and to toughen those bad boys up, so yes, it is painful for weeks. I recently heard someone say that it feels like running a marathon with your feet covered in blisters, and I’d say that’s pretty accurate. I even got an actual blood blister on one of my nips in the hospital, which made it even more painful to nurse off of (which didn’t even seem possible) for the next week or so.

I met with the lactation consultant a few times during our short hospital stay. Clay was born at 4 a.m. on a Sunday and we were home by Monday afternoon, so we were doing well enough with breastfeeding for us to be discharged. It also helped that Clay was relatively large for being born at 38 weeks as well. To make sure she was getting colostrum during that first day or so, the nurses and lactation consultant had me hand express into a plastic spoon and feed it to her that way every few hours along with breastfeeding and we no longer needed to continue with that once we got home.

If I remember correctly, the first night we were home with her, I had an emotional breakdown during one of her late-night feedings. Waking up multiple times in the night to a screaming baby was already a tough adjustment emotionally, mentally and physically, but also having to put that screaming baby onto my unbelievably sore nipple to have her suck for as long as she needed while I cried in pain sent me over the edge. I must say, there were many moments during those hard nights where I envied Justin because he didn’t have to experience what I was experiencing, even though it was 100% my choice. Sad, but it’s how I felt. He supported me in my decision and was so helpful in every other way possible, but obviously no one could breastfeed for me. I was the only person that could fix that hungry scream and that was a lot of pressure. I cried during so many feedings in the beginning, counting down the minutes until it was over and I was sad that what should be such an intimate and special moment with my baby brought me so much physical misery.

Even with the pain, I never considered exclusively pumping instead (which DIDN’T hurt) for a few reasons, even though I know that it’s an alternative route that a lot of people take. I knew the more we practiced, the better it would get, and I was encouraged by doctors to not introduce a bottle until at least 3-4 weeks (we gave her one for the first time just shy of 4 weeks, and luckily she takes them great). That, along with my oversupply issue (which I’ll get into in a minute), I wanted and needed my breasts to regulate to what she needed milk-wise.

For those first few weeks, I couldn’t imagine a world where breastfeeding didn’t hurt, and I spent all of my days covered in nipple balm and milk (which I find smelly, by the way), and never taking my silver nursing cups off. I would try to watch shows or scroll on my phone to distract myself from the pain during feedings, but nothing helped except time. I quickly developed so much respect for any woman who has ever breastfed because I now understood how difficult it was. I had always heard people say that it was such a bonding experience that they loved, but all I was experiencing at the time were sessions that I dreaded all day and all night long. However, I held on to that hope and refused to give up, even though a lot of days it felt like giving up would be the easier option.

It’s a heavy responsibility knowing that your baby’s life depends on your body and its ability to distribute nutrients to them. As a breastfeeding mom, my whole day revolves around providing milk for her, whether I’m physically with her and nursing, or away from her and pumping. I plan my meals, showers, bathroom breaks and everything else around when she needs to eat, and when you’re nursing 3-4 hours total some days, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and like you have no time to do the other things that can’t be done while sitting on the couch with a baby attached to you. On top of that, you have to take care of your own body in order to provide milk for your baby — so along with everything else you feel like you don’t have time for, you also have to find time to prioritize eating and drinking enough/well. It’s a lot!

Side note: breastfeeding back is totally a thing, too. There was no such thing as a comfortable position to feed her in at the beginning, so all the hunching over in pain led to my back hurting as well (I still get this occasionally too, but I think I’m just used to it now). I felt like I had limited position options due to having smaller breasts, so being inexperienced along with that led to lots of back discomfort.

Aside from pain, my other big struggle was oversupply/engorgement and clogged ducts. I lactated throughout the majority of my pregnancy, so leading up to her birth, I knew milk supply wouldn’t be a problem. However, I was not prepared for how much I would have. I had milk from day 1 in the hospital and never had to supplement, but it came in full force three days after she was born. My breasts were so full that I couldn’t sleep on either side of my body and had to sleep on my back, I couldn’t lift my arms over my head and I could barely hold Clay. I had to have my mom come over and help me when Justin was at work a couple of times because of struggling to hold her and also needing more time to try to remedy my breast issues.

I tried to read up about what I was struggling with online, but everything I read was so conflicting: pump, don’t pump, heat only, ice only, etc. Out of desperation, I called the Lactation Line at the hospital I delivered at and they gave me some tips and had me come in so we could work through it. This was a GODSEND! They ended up helping me get a deeper latch and informed me that Clay has somewhat of a tight jaw, and was clenching her lips while eating to try to slow the flow — which explains some of the pain. They also gave me a block feeding schedule to empty out my breasts in an effective way that wouldn’t cause me to continue to overproduce and it worked like a charm. This gave me a lot of hope (and what soon became 0.5-1 gallon of freezer supply) and a regulated supply too.

From there, I’ve experienced clogged ducts (and milk blebs) a few times and it truly is unpleasant — doable, fixable and short term, but unpleasant nonetheless. It makes breastfeeding painful again and the massaging you have to do to unclog them feels like torture. It’s comparable to forcefully rubbing a deep bruise or open wound, and of course, the only thing that also makes it better is nursing on that side more too, which also hurts. No fun!

I’ve now been breastfeeding for nearly four months and it’s 95% painless. It only is uncomfortable for a few seconds when my milk lets down sometimes or if I have a clogged duct, so the few weeks of pain were worth it. I’m away from Clay for about 20 hours a week at work, and I definitely feel a difference in my breasts on those days (let me know if you’d like me to do a post on my pumping schedule at work + essentials). After pumping all day, my nipples feel sore when she nurses on them for the next 12-24 hours after that and I feel like it changes my supply a little bit, but not in a way that has caused issues.

I can confirm that breastfeeding now does feel natural and like a bonding activity with my baby, which I’m so grateful for. Everyone was right. It’s the best feeling to see her get excited when she’s hungry and sees me, and to see her look up and smile at me while nursing. Though it’s one of the most time-consuming and difficult things I’ve ever done, I’m so happy I stuck with it.

If you’re a breastfeeding mom or plan to be, here’s what I’d like you to know:

Be easy on yourself. You and your baby are learning this skill together, and just like many things in life, it takes practice.
It will get better and easier, and if you want to stick with it, I think it’s worth it.
Try switching to an I get to breastfeed mentality, rather than I have to breastfeed on your hard days.
Seek help if you need it. Lactation consultants are truly amazing and much better resources than anything you can find on Google.
Fed is best.

That’s my breastfeeding journey thus far! She now likes to hit and scratch me while she’s nursing, and she’s showing signs of teething soon, so things might get crazy here real quick. 😜 If you have any questions, feel free to leave them below or reach out to me on Instagram — maybe I’ll do a breastfeeding Q&A! Thanks so much for following along with me and check out my other motherhood and baby-related posts here.