Let’s Talk: Being a Working Mom

I’ve written and rewritten this post several times because it’s so hard to express everything in words. Motherhood, and the transition into it, is complex (and apparently so is writing about it) and it creates a shift in all areas of life. Lately, this has me reflecting on what I want my future as a mom to look like as I learn to balance working and motherhood. I anticipate that this post is going to be a whole new level of word vomit, but let’s get into it.

I’ve wanted to be a mom for a long time. When we decided to have a baby last year, I knew I would do whatever it takes to raise my child how I want and how she deserves to be raised. One of the top questions I would get from people when I was pregnant was what we planned to do for childcare, knowing that I would be a working mom. Internally, my answer was always “whatever it takes.”

Before deciding to have a baby, I knew and understood that I would be a working mom. We’re not in a financial position for me to be a stay-at-home mom, nor can we afford full-time childcare, so I must be able to work from home or accept free help when needed. Since my husband is a high school teacher and has to work outside of the home, the responsibility to work and watch our baby falls on me. As soon as my maternity leave ended, I learned one of the hardest and most common lessons of being a working mom (and a mom in general): I can’t do it all. It’s obviously not possible to go to into the office a few days a week AND care for my baby at the same time, and I therefore have to let people help me for free on the days I can’t be home with her. It’s a dependency that pains me.

When I started my side businesses years ago (my blog in 2015 and my freelance design/website work in 2017), once I saw some progression, I imagined those turning into full-time work one day and being able to have a flexible schedule as a mom. When my desire to become a mom grew at a faster pace than what my side income was, I had to make the choice that having a baby was something I’d do first and then tackle the work stuff later. It’s difficult sometimes to not be hard on myself that those intentions that I had for my life haven’t come to fruition yet.

Before my daughter was born, I didn’t know what type of working mom I would want to be yet. Would I be someone who would want to be home with my baby all the time? Would I not mind being away a few days a week? Knowing myself, I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be the mom who would be okay with being away from her infant from 8-5 five days a week, and that has proven to be true. There is no wrong way to go, it all depends on your own personal preference. For me, I thrive off of being able to be a mom and work at the same time, and being home with her a majority of the week is key for my happiness thus far. With her being so young and exclusively breastfeeding, it just makes sense.

I can honestly say though that becoming a mother has made me want to work harder than ever before, especially to live the life I want, give her the life I want to give her and to set the best example for her. It’s crazy that after I had her, I truly had this internal shift that I would be willing to move anywhere, end any commitment and change my entire life if it’s what she needed and if it’s what I felt was necessary to best serve her as a mother. Becoming a parent truly gives you a whole new perspective on life and it changes you from the inside out. You suddenly feel able to give up things that you love and make more sacrifices than you ever thought you could.

I sat down the other day and truly thought about what my dream life as a mom would be. I feel like I need to work in order to feel fulfilled in some ways. Since I want to work and be a mom, the question is, ideally, what would I want that to look like? I know I want my work life as a mom to be in the most ideal place before having another baby (which is not on my radar for anytime soon), and I think that ideal place would be getting to be a mom and work simultaneously every day. I’d love to work from home while my kid(s) are home and not in school. Additionally, I want to be able to financially provide for vacations, travel, put away money in Clay’s college fund, etc., so boosting my income is a goal of mine too. Justin has recently started selling real estate on the side, so that could help as well.

I will say though, the only good thing that has come from this awful pandemic is the shift into remote work. There are so many more remote jobs available than ever before, so that gives a lot of us working moms the ability to feel like we can “do it all” — work AND be present with our babies. I’m so incredibly grateful that I get to spend the few days a week at home with Clay that I do now. These moments are fleeting and I don’t want to miss a thing. I feel like my work-from-home days with her, just her and I, have played a large role in strengthening our bond too. As busy as my mind is, it honestly feels far less hectic when I’m physically with my daughter while working because I get to be fully present with both at the same, eliminating a lot of wandering guilt.

JUGGLING IT ALL

For those of you who are pregnant and are curious, being a mom and working full-time is truly like having two full-time jobs (and breastfeeding is nearly a third). I find it to be totally manageable, however, my brain always feels like it’s at capacity. It’s constantly filled with my baby’s needs, my work tasks and my around-the-house to-do list, so it’s always in a state of busyness.

With that being said, it can be a tough balance. For the first time in my life, `I now have another person that must come before myself and my other obligations in every single way possible. I want to be successful in all areas of my life, but as a new mom, I sometimes feel like I have to pick and choose. Can I be a good mom, a good wife, a good friend, a good daughter, a good dog owner, a good employee, etc. all at once? I often feel like I can’t and I go to bed most nights feeling like I completely failed in multiple areas, disappointing myself and fearing that I disappointed others too. I seemed to have gotten my first taste of this fun little thing called postpartum anxiety this week while worrying about everything I have on my plate.

I’ve also developed a lot of guilt. I feel guilty that I have to ask for help to watch my baby, ask for schedules to be moved around because not every aspect of my life is aligning perfectly, ask for a break even when I know I probably need it… not to mention leaving my baby when I feel like she needs me (which, spoiler alert: is always). I’m not good at it and I often have to work up the courage (or, alternatively, reach my breaking point) to ask for a favor or flexibility in others. I truly struggle with allowing myself to be dependent in areas where I was once fully capable of being independent mere months ago.

I don’t have it all figured out, and as frustrating as that is to me sometimes, I wish I could give myself more grace and remind myself that I’m NEW at this and that it’s okay. I only gave birth three months ago, and no one is a master at anything, especially a big change like this, in that short amount time.

I heard on a podcast recently that a lot of people strive for “balance” in their everyday life, when we should really be striving for harmony instead. They stated that it’s impossible for every role or element of your life to be even at all times because priorities are everchanging. This was an “aha” moment for me and gave me some peace about how I’ve been feeling. It’s true that I can’t do it all, at least not all at once, and I’m continuing to seek harmony in all aspects of my life.

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In conclusion, as complicated as being a mom makes other things in life, it is my dream come true and I’m motivated for the future. I’m learning more and more every day and I feel more empowered and capable after each challenge I overcome. Fellow moms out there: you got this and you’re not alone!