Let’s Talk: An Honest Conversation About Upcoming Motherhood
Hey guys! With my due date 7 weeks away and having so much on my mind, I wanted to do a Let’s Talk post having an honest conversation about upcoming motherhood. I think it’s so important to talk about these things, so today I’m getting really real and candid with you guys about my true thoughts on everything from delivery and postpartum to being a working mom, my motherhood fears and what I’m looking forward to most. This is a no-judgment zone and I invite you all to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments as well. Without further ado, let’s dive in!
LABOR & DELIVERY
First, lets start with labor and delivery. I’m not that scared for it, maybe because I try not to focus on it too much. I’ve dealt with chronic migraines and rupturing ovarian cysts for years, so pain isn’t unfamiliar to me — though I know labor and delivery is on another level and is obviously its own unique experience, especially with all the unknown and risk that comes along with it. I just hope that everything goes well and she’s safe, and I’m safe. I’m hoping for a vaginal birth with an epidural and, so far, I have no indication of whether I’ll go early, on time, late, you name it… it’s all unknown at this point!
I think not knowing when I’m going to go into labor will be a challenge. I’m such a planner and I like to know what each day is going to look like ahead of time, and it’s crazy to think that there will be a time period where I’ll wake up every morning and think “today could be the day, who knows.” I’m also BIG TIME praying that I don’t go into labor at work because yikes.
POSTPARTUM
Though I’m the first of my immediate family and friends to have a baby (recently, obviously), I’ve closely kept up with a lot of people’s pregnancies in recent years through social media, so the woes of postpartum aren’t unknown to me. I feel like I’ve heard all the horror stories and a lot of people say postpartum (also known as the fourth trimester) recovery is worse than childbirth. I’m hoping the excitement of finally having our baby here with us will mask at least some of my pain, but we’ll see. I know postpartum will bring along other challenges as well, like trying to navigate motherhood for the first time, a huge hormone adjustment, etc. that I’ll have to adjust to. It will be a learning experience for sure! I’m hoping to bypass postpartum depression/anxiety as much as possible, though I’m sure Justin going back to work and me being solo with the baby for the first time will bring anxiety no matter what. We’ll see though!
BEING A WORKING MOM
I think one of the most intimidating things about motherhood is the unknown. As I’m sure many other first time moms have, I worry that my current circumstances and schedule won’t align with my new desires and preferences that may come once our baby is here. To preface this, I’m not an emotional gal and I haven’t been emotional during my pregnancy either. I think I’ve cried maybe twice total during my pregnancy, and the last time was a few weeks ago thinking about the challenges that will come along with leaving my baby when I go back to work and having to rely on help to watch her. Justin and I can’t afford to live off one income right now (nor do I want to stop working anyway — for me, it’s a matter of working from home or out of the house), so I’ll be returning to work 6 or 7 weeks after I give birth (some days in-office, some days at home).
I was feeling a lot of guilt about this for a few reasons. I’m extremely independent, and I hate the fact that we will have to rely on help from someone to watch the baby on days where I’ll be in the office. Like, I absolutely hate not being self-sufficient. I wish I could do it all. I’m so grateful for the help and I know this person is thrilled to do it, but she offered me two days and I had to ask if she could do three and it’s still eating me alive. I never want to have to ask for more than what I’ve very generously been given, you know? It’s the worst feeling to know that someone is bending for you and you have to ask them to bend even more. It makes me feel an inch tall.
Another thing I cried about that day (it was a rough day, but I’m just keeping it real with you guys 😅) is the fact that all of this was making me feel like an inadequate mother already. Will I miss out on special moments? I want to breastfeed, but will she only take bottles because I’ll have to spend so much time away from her (about 30 hours a week)? It made me sad to think about it and it made me consider where I’m at in life. For instance, so many of the girls I keep up with online that have been blogging just like me for the same length of time (5 years) took theirs’ full-time years ago and are able to stay home with their babies and work their own schedules. To not also be at that point and have that option myself if I wanted to take advantage of it when I’ve been in the game just as long, if not longer, is hard to accept at times like these.
Anyway, I’ve heard from so many people how hard it is to leave your baby and I’m nervous that it will be a huge struggle for me — especially considering I don’t even like leaving my dog and I haven’t spent a single night away from her since we got her back in May 2019. 🙃 Right now, pregnancy hormones have me feeling discouraged that I don’t have a lifestyle that provides me the option to not have to leave my baby if I didn’t want to, you know? Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly happy to be pregnant and having a baby right now as it’s exactly what I wanted, not to mention I love my job too, but it’s tough knowing that circumstances could always be different. I put a lot of pressure on myself and this is just another way I’m doing that. I just don’t want to let my baby or my family down.
However, with all of that being said, I could be completely wrong about all of this. Maybe I’ll be itching to get back to work. Maybe I’ll desire working out of the house even more… I truly don’t know how I’m going to feel, and that’s what I’m nervous about. Since it is all so unknown, I really shouldn’t waste my time worrying about it, but sometimes I can’t help it.
BODY AFTER PREGNANCY
To be honest, this isn’t something I’ve been too worried about. I know my body is going to do whatever it needs to in the process of growing and delivering our baby, so I’ve had a pretty positive mindset about it. I also want to recognize though that we all carry differently, and I’m pretty much all belly so far. I would say my biggest concern, if anything, has been stretch marks, only because my mom and grandma had them so bad. So far so good in this department, but I feel like the truest test will be these last few weeks when I’m reaching maximum capacity. I’ve been applying my body butter and belly oil every single night since around week 13 or 14, but that’s about it prevention-wise. I mean, what more can you do, right? I’m hoping for the best, but I’m okay with whatever my body needs to do! I must say though, it will be so weird to see myself without a belly again.
WHAT I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO MOST
I can’t wait to take her on walks with us around the neighborhood — although she’ll be born in late-ish fall in Indiana, so I don’t know when we’ll get a chance to do that weather-wise, but I’m excited nonetheless.
I can’t wait to see Justin become the sweetest dad ever. I already know he’s going to absolutely shine in that role. He was born for it.
I can’t wait to see Lucia interact with her and get to play with her when she’s big enough. We have no idea how Lucia is going to react to having a baby in the house, but as a submissive and sweet pup who loves people and cuddles, I’m picturing her bringing her toys as an infant… which I promise you I will be bawling my eyes out over.
Our first Christmas together will be a month or so after she’s born and I’m really excited about spending holidays with her. I feel like holidays will be 10x more fun and special with a child of our own. Oh, and she’s going to be in our Christmas card this year! WILD.
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Hope you enjoyed this brain dump, and if you did, you can catch up on my other pregnancy/baby-related blog posts here. As a pregnant woman, there’s so much on your mind about the future, so I really thought it was important to open that conversation up to you guys who may be in the same boat. We’re in this together! Thanks so much for reading, keep up with me on Instagram (@abbysaylor) and check back for my nursery tour going live on the blog this week!