Let’s Talk: Adjusting to Life as a New Mom

Today I wanted to sit down and get down in words how my experience with adjusting to life as a new mom has been over the past two months. This post has been a long time coming because I feel like I never have a clear head to write efficiently these days, but if you’re reading this, I must have found the time and energy to do so! 😉

Today is my last day of maternity leave and I start working again tomorrow. I’m nervous because everyone tells me it’s going to be so hard, but it feels like it’s time to rip off the bandaid and learn my new normal — as scary as it is. As for recovery, I’ve been lucky to not have dealt with postpartum depression or anxiety, but that being said, there are so many emotions that come along with the changing hormones after giving birth regardless. I love being my little baby girl’s mom and seeing her develop every day, but motherhood comes with its challenges, as most things in life do. Overall, I feel like I’ve adjusted very well. As someone who had no baby experience beforehand, I dove in headfirst and was watching her by myself full-time five days a week starting a week after she was born. Even though I was running on very little sleep, was having so much pain from breastfeeding and oversupply (it was so bad, you guys!), and was physically recovering from giving birth, getting to know my baby energized me each day.

Learning how to be a mom and transitioning into this new phase of life during a global pandemic has been a unique experience. I take the pandemic seriously, because it is a serious thing, and I do my best to be as safe as possible and protect my child as best as I can. Some of the things that make me feel like “me,” like going out and doing things I like to do, running errands, etc. no longer seem feasible with a baby that would likely need to go with me and the risk that therefore comes along with that. We haven’t taken Clay anywhere in public other than her doctor’s appointments, so the idea of bringing her to a store and exposing her just so I can walk around and get out of the house feels unjustified to me at this point in time, personally. Because of this, I’m stuck in the house all day every day and it can feel isolating. I love being with her and want to be with her, but I’m definitely feeling a bit of cabin fever over here at times. I’m sure it being wintertime and not being able to go outside for walks and stuff doesn’t help either.

As I’m learning to be a mom, there are definitely moments and sometimes days where I feel like I’m “failing” a bit, for lack of a better term. Maybe a better way to describe it is the “bad” days where she’s crying a ton when I’m alone with her all day and I struggle with settling her can really wear me down. Something that I talked to Justin about recently is that I eventually start to take it personally in regards to how good of a job I’m doing as her mother and caregiver when I feel like she’s really unsettled for extended periods of time and I can’t get her settled. I know that sounds so stupid, but it’s how I feel. Justin is much more unaffected by her crying (which I’m envious of), whereas I feel responsible for stopping it as her parent and down on myself when I can’t after what feels like countless attempts. I think the pressure to stop it as her mother comes from always hearing people say “babies feel so connected to their mother…” and blah, blah, blah. The truth is though, babies just cry and it’s not a testament to how you’re doing as a parent (I need to tattoo this to the inside of my eyelids). No one really tells you how much your child’s crying gets to you — it can be emotionally exhausting!

Something else that I’ve found challenging is that it’s truly a lot of pressure being the life source for my baby. In a lot of ways, it seems like that would be over once you deliver your baby and your womb is no longer their home, but that doesn’t end if you choose to breastfeed. I exclusively breastfeed and we’ve only given her a bottle of breastmilk a few times. With that being said, my whole day revolves around her eating schedule and making sure my breasts are in good working condition (AKA no engorgement or clogged ducts like I’ve dealt with). It’s a lot of pressure.

With all this being said, the good moments and days (it’s all good, but you get what I mean) really are so good. The cuddles and her smiles are some of the best things in life. She wakes up so happy in the morning these days and it’s so cool to see that and interact with her. She’s also getting more comfortable with being independent in the sense that she can lay down, look around and kick to entertain herself for a bit. Life is more exciting with her in it and she gives me so much purpose in a new way. I can’t wait for the day that she says “mama.”

Before becoming a mom, one of the things I was most curious about was what my day-to-day life/schedule would be like after she was born. The truth is that life as a mom of a newborn can feel repetitive. Your baby screams, you feed them, you change them, you “play,” they sleep, they scream, you feed them again, you change them again… you get the idea. A lot of my time is spent soothing my baby — bouncing her, shushing her and trying various positions and methods to get her to be content. I can’t even tell you how much time we spend bouncing her on our exercise ball because it’s oftentimes the only thing that helps when she’s really wailing. 🤣 I spend hours nursing as well. She nursed for a total of three hours the other day and I felt so physically drained from it by the time we went to bed. I swear it had depleted all of my energy and it was baffling to me to think I nursed for the time equivalent of two movies… that’s a lot of time to have your nipple sucked on (lol).

Being a mom is a full-time job and I find that I feel the most energized, motivated and successful when my baby is content and I’m getting breaks. These breaks don’t need to be long or frequent, but a few short ones a day make all the difference. Especially as a breastfeeding mom when so much of my day is spent with my baby physically attached to my chest, having me-time to take a relaxing shower or do tasks around the house that I want to do help me recharge and feel like my best self for her. I don’t often prioritize these things and I’m quick to just skip them, but Justin always encourages me to take time for myself and I’m so appreciative of that.

I could go on and on because motherhood is such a journey, but that’s a bit about my life as a new mom! It gets easier in some ways every day, and harder in other ways. If you’re a new mom too, I’d love to connect with you and chat in the comments!